Hi everyone! I haven’t posted in a little while, and mostly, it was down to a simple reason; I had nothing to write about. Thank you so much for those of you still there, and welcome and thank you to new subscribers <3
It wasn’t writers block, or not being able to wrap up my thoughts into digestible insights, these past few weeks, I simply had no words at all. Nothing that truly felt worthy to commit to (virtual) paper. All my idea were few and far between, and felt tenuous and sticky, like gum stretched thin. My ideas felt like small glows that briefly lit my chest alight, only to be extinguished in seconds. Swallowed whole, just like me. These feelings have come to light when we are facing colder nights and shorter days on this side of the world. Maybe, my creativity is seasonally conditioned, linked, or maybe, is mere coincidence.
I have been working on allowing myself the grace to simply be, and have faith that my desire to write will reemerge soon, once it has the space to do so. During these days it’s been easy to forget that exerting effort is worth the outcome, especially since it seems exertion takes a higher toll during the colder months. But, now I’ve allowed myself the rest, and today I make the conscious exertion to write.
So now I sit on the floor, my back warmed by the gentle winter sun, and I try to focus more on writing forward than backspacing. The words are there, just out of grasp, beneath my tongue, or scratching at the ends of my brain, perhaps a little clunkier and slower than they have been before. I tell myself that’s ok too.
For a while now, I’ve wanted to write a post about thoughts. Not so much about what I believe they are or how they come about (maybe that’ll be a post for another day), but for how they make me feel. Thoughts are so fleeting, and so fine. Trying to pin down the threads of a thought is like chasing dandelion parts after you’ve made a wish.
Sometimes I see my thinking and my mind, as silky, interconnected webs. Thoughts can be trapped and fuse into these webs, other times they pass through, unencumbered. Thoughts operate in an another dimension, and generally aren’t even subject to our reality. In fact the line between reality and imagination is blurred in our minds – we can seamlessly flit from one to another as if they exist in the same realm.
However, despite their capricious nature, the impact thoughts have on me, my actions, and my emotions, is concrete and undeniable.
When I dwell in fear, anxiety or hatred, my body feels weighed down, my eyes feel heavy and I am irritable. I perceive people and conversation through a fog of disillusion, which only reduces my visibility. My thoughts steep my body in fear and anger. They permeate my body, caught in those gossamer webs. Thoughts drive actions. When my thoughts operate in a lawless environment, naturally, rash and reactive actions follow.
So what happens when the narrative is flipped? When my thoughts are light, and joyful, soft and warm? These thoughts lift me up. I feel light, free and compassionate. I am able to perceive the flaws in myself and others with an ample amount of understanding and good-naturedness, and truly celebrate shared humanity. My thoughts don’t get hooked into the webs, but pass through, transient and sheer.
The connection between the what we think, and what we do or feel, is incredibly subtle. But the link is there, and it is strong.
Sometimes it happens faster than our conscious mind can process. I’ve found myself thinking, “why did I react like that..” or “why do I feel so low today.” Only later do I realise that I spent the day ruminating on fear, catastrophising, or assuming the worst of someone or of a situation.
I’ve noticed that purposefully, and consciously challenging negative thoughts, and allowing myself to think thorough a lens of easy compassion, means that when conflict arises, I am more prepared to pause, assess and then respond appropriately.
When my thoughts are light and peaceful, I find I have more space, in both my mind and heart to process negativity in a healthy way. Whether that negativity is grief, anger or judgement. When our heart and mind is already full of negativity, we cannot see through the haze to appreciate joy, and as our cup is already so full, any additional drops only mean we explode, usually in a way we regret.
Through attuning ourselves to peace and thoughts of positivity, we feel our bodies becoming light and hollow. We are able to allow experiences and emotions to pass through us without judgement or attachment.
I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic! How do you find your thoughts physically affect you? How do you break out of a negative cycle and embrace kindness and compassion in your thinking?
Until next time,
It's funny, Ava, I have this weird theory that whenever I write something that's uninspired on Substack, my audience can inherently feel it. Like they know when I'm phoning it in. I see that as a good thing, though, because it pushes me to rethink how I approach blogging. I try to only write and publish stuff that's inspired nowadays. :) I think you were wise to take a break. I'm still here!
Ava!!!! ❤️
It’s awesome hearing from you (even though I’m a couple of weeks late to the party)!
My thoughts affect me deeply so I try to be conscious of the story I’m telling myself when I feel them pulling me in a direction that isn’t beneficial for me.
Once I’m in a cycle, pausing, reflecting and reading a thoughtfully written non-fiction book is usually beneficial (even if the book isn’t about my particular struggle).