Dealing With Regret

How to stop chastising yourself about the past

Regret would plague my evenings, a small beast that sat on my chest, usually when the sun passed the horizon. Not over one life changing decision in particular, but rather over a series of small decisions I’ve made since I was a teenager. Even more emotionally complex, and illogical, was my sense of regret over the decisions other people close to me made. Envy and regret that they had made decisions which led to experiences I couldn’t imagine.

During school I dedicated to studying, as was I during much of university. I spent a lot of those later years afraid of a lot of things; men, dating, alcohol, perception and failing all scoring at the top of the list. I found that by trying to operate within boundaries that had kept me safe as a child, I lost my sense of identity, or rather I realised the identity I had carved for myself was built on shaky foundations and eroded timber. I spent the first three years of university projecting confidence which wore me out. The city I attended university never quite became home. While my friends put their roots down, found partners and formed communities, I was always thinking of home.

Now, as an adult, the fear and apprehension I felt in those younger years has faded, and I can’t remember the reasoning for my self imposed restrictions. I can no longer protect the young girl I was because I can no longer empathise with her. That void inside me has only been replaced by a voice which chastises me for past decisions, or rather opportunities lost, and a life not lived. When my partner recounts his past experiences during university, I have felt a jealousy I haven’t experienced before, and a new found regret when I compare my tentative life. Even when he recounts the difficulties, the times he felt alone or isolated, I only take what I can beat myself with; his happy moments.

My ego belittles me for choices I cannot change. For the decisions of others that don’t affect me. My pride wars my reasoning and leaves only a sickly feeling of shame.

So, how will I deal with these feelings of unrest, undue yearning, and self-pity?

Unfortunately, I have no easy answer, or an answer I know will work for you. But I can share the efforts I have engaged in recently. Through learning and reading, I’ve begun to practice a buddhist technique, which I think many may consider counterintuitive. Instead of delving into those feelings, trying to logically rationalise decisions, or gaslighting myself with grasping-at-straws thinking, I choose to spread gratitude, to both to others and myself.

First I practice a small form of body mindfulness; I centre myself in the present moment through some deep breaths or sensory activity. Then I focus on what feelings I want to grow, and what attitude I want to claim, rather than allowing the past to run rampant through my mind. By focusing on spreading gratitude to myself, for the choices I’ve made, to the people I met, and the experiences I’ve had, I can feel a true joy as they have led me to who I am, at this point in life. I spread joy to others, happiness that they were able to have experiences and moments that they cherish. I remove myself as a factor in that consideration. As the Buddha says, a wholesome thought and an unwholesome thought cannot exist at the same time in the mind. And so, for that moment where genuine joy is extended, my jealousy and regret is squashed. I only feel a sense of connectedness and joy with all other beings for the lives that we are blessed to lead. Of course, my practice is not perfect, many times the past will run rampant before I can catch it, I suppose that is why it is called practice.

The roots I wish to grow, by which I am anchored, shall not be self-pity or regret, but thankfulness and gratitude. There is much in our lives we have to be thankful for. The difficulty is, whether we are truly awake enough to see it,

Until next time,